Our childhood experiences shape who we are, often in ways we don’t realize. When those experiences include trauma, the impact can linger into adulthood, influencing how we see ourselves, others, and our relationships. The subconscious coping mechanisms we developed as children to protect ourselves can become barriers to connection and intimacy as adults. You might find yourself yearning for love and connection, only to feel frustrated when things seem to fall apart. You might wonder, Why do I keep sabotaging my relationships? Why do I keep choosing the wrong people?
If this resonates with you, know that you’re not alone. The patterns you see in your adult relationships often have roots in the survival strategies you developed as a child to cope with pain, fear, or neglect. These strategies might have protected you then, but as an adult, they can create walls instead of bridges in your connections. The good news? These patterns can be unlearned. Healing is possible, and you can build relationships that are not only healthier but also more fulfilling.
The Lasting Impact of Childhood Trauma
Trauma experienced during childhood is particularly unique because it occurs at a time when our brains are still developing. These early experiences shape our beliefs about the world and our place in it. If you grew up in an environment where your emotional needs weren’t met, you may have developed a skewed sense of safety and trust.
For example, if a caregiver was inconsistent, neglectful, or abusive, you might have learned that relationships are unpredictable or unsafe. If you were emotionally invalidated by a parent or sibling, you might have internalized the idea that your feelings don’t matter or, worse, that you don’t matter. These deeply ingrained beliefs can follow you into adulthood, manifesting as behaviors that sabotage your relationships.
How Trauma Leads to Self-Sabotage
Fear of Abandonment: Childhood trauma, particularly from neglect or loss, can leave you with a deep fear of abandonment. This fear might lead you to cling tightly to your partner, constantly seeking reassurance, or, paradoxically, push them away before they can leave you. The fear is so intense that it drives you to act in ways that feel protective but ultimately harm your relationships.
Trust Issues: Trust is a cornerstone of any healthy relationship, but trauma can make it feel nearly impossible. If the people who were supposed to protect and nurture you betrayed that trust, you might carry an underlying belief that no one is truly reliable. This might show up as constant suspicion, emotional walls, or even testing your partner’s loyalty in ways that strain the connection.
Emotional Overwhelm: Trauma often leaves you feeling as though your emotions are too big to handle. As a child, you might not have had the tools or support to process these feelings. As an adult, this emotional dysregulation can lead to intense arguments, withdrawal, or shutting down completely in relationships.
Low Self-Worth: If you grew up feeling unloved or unworthy, these beliefs don’t magically disappear as you age. Instead, they manifest as settling for less than you deserve, tolerating unhealthy behavior, or pushing away healthy relationships because deep down, you don’t feel deserving of love and respect.
Boundary Struggles: Trauma can leave you unsure about where you end and others begin. You might have learned to suppress your own needs to avoid conflict or rejection. In adult relationships, this can look like people-pleasing, overcommitting, or letting others cross boundaries that should protect your emotional well-being.
Signs You’re Self-Sabotaging in Relationships
Self-sabotage in relationships often shows up in subtle but impactful ways. You might find yourself avoiding vulnerability because it feels too risky or unsafe. Perhaps you overanalyze your partner’s actions, constantly searching for hidden meanings or doubting their intentions, even when there’s no evidence to support your fears. This can lead to a cycle of mistrust and emotional distance. You may also pick fights or create tension when things are going well, subconsciously fearing that the peace won’t last or that something will inevitably go wrong. These behaviors can feel protective in the moment but often push the other person away, reinforcing your fears of abandonment or rejection.
Another common sign of self-sabotage is repeating unhealthy patterns. You might find yourself drawn to partners who mirror the emotional unavailability or unpredictability of your past caregivers. This often feels familiar, even if it’s not healthy. On the flip side, you might push away partners who treat you well, feeling unworthy of their love or fearing they’ll leave once they truly know you. These patterns, though painful, are not fixed. By recognizing them, you take the first step toward breaking free from the cycle and creating relationships grounded in trust and connection.
How to Break the Cycle and Heal
Healing from childhood trauma isn’t about fixing something “broken” but about gaining insight into your past and recognizing its impact. It’s about unlearning old patterns that once served as survival mechanisms but now hinder your growth. This process allows you to reclaim control over your relationships and emotional well-being. Here’s how to begin that journey:
Cultivate Self-Awareness: Reflecting on your past can be uncomfortable, but it’s a crucial step in healing. Ask yourself: What beliefs about myself and relationships did I learn as a child? How do those beliefs show up today? Journaling, mindfulness, or talking with a trusted therapist can help you uncover the connections between your past and present.
Practice Self-Compassion: It’s easy to fall into self-blame when you recognize harmful patterns, but remember: these behaviors were born from a place of survival, not malice. Treat yourself with kindness and remind yourself that healing takes time. Use affirmations to challenge negative self-talk, such as “I am deserving of love and connection.”
Learn to Regulate Your Emotions: Emotional regulation is essential for building healthy relationships. When you feel overwhelmed, pause and practice grounding techniques like deep breathing, mindfulness, or counting objects around you. Over time, these practices can help you respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively.
Communicate Honestly: Healthy relationships thrive on open, honest communication. Practice expressing your needs and feelings in a way that invites understanding rather than conflict. For example, instead of saying, “You never care about me,” try, “I feel hurt when this happens and would like us to work on it together.”
Set and Maintain Boundaries: Boundaries are not about shutting people out but about protecting your emotional space. Start small by saying “no” when needed or clearly expressing your limits. Over time, this will help you feel more secure in your relationships.
Seek Professional Support: Childhood trauma is complex, and you don’t have to navigate it alone. A counselor can provide a safe space to process your experiences, uncover patterns, and develop healthier ways to connect with others.
Surround Yourself with Supportive Relationships: Healing doesn’t happen in isolation. Surround yourself with people who uplift you, respect your boundaries, and encourage your growth. These relationships can serve as a model for the kind of connection you’re working to create.
The Role of Counseling in Addressing Self-Sabotaging Behaviors
Counseling is a powerful tool for breaking free from the cycle of self-sabotage in relationships caused by childhood trauma. Many behaviors that undermine intimacy—such as distrust, emotional withdrawal, or fear of vulnerability—are rooted in the coping mechanisms you developed to survive difficult early experiences. While these patterns once protected you, they often create barriers to healthy connections in adulthood. Therapy helps you uncover the underlying causes of these behaviors, understand their impact on your relationships, and develop healthier ways to engage with others.
Through counseling, you can learn to challenge negative beliefs about yourself, such as feeling unworthy of love or fearing rejection, and replace them with more supportive, compassionate perspectives. This process not only heals the wounds of your past but also empowers you to build stronger, more fulfilling relationships in the present. Therapists trained in trauma-focused approaches offer specific tools to help you identify and change the subconscious patterns that lead to self-sabotage, making it possible to create connections based on trust, respect, and emotional safety.
Certain therapeutic modalities are particularly effective at addressing the ways childhood trauma contributes to self-sabotaging behaviors in relationships. Understanding these approaches can help you find a counselor whose methods align with your needs:
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR): EMDR helps you reprocess painful memories that fuel distrust, fear of intimacy, or emotional reactivity. By reducing the emotional charge of past events, this therapy makes it easier to approach relationships without the baggage of unresolved trauma.
Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT): If your self-sabotaging behaviors stem from deeply ingrained beliefs like “I’m not good enough” or “People will always leave me,” CPT can help. This therapy challenges distorted thinking, helping you build a healthier outlook on yourself and your relationships.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): CBT is a versatile approach for identifying and altering the negative thought patterns and behaviors that drive self-sabotage. For instance, it can help you recognize when you’re pushing a partner away out of fear and guide you toward healthier, more constructive responses.
Prolonged Exposure Therapy (PE): Avoidance is a common trait among those with trauma, whether it’s avoiding conflict, vulnerability, or emotional closeness. PE helps you face and process these fears, reducing their grip on your relationships and enabling you to connect more authentically.
Somatic Therapy: Many self-sabotaging behaviors are rooted in how trauma is stored in the body. Somatic therapy uses body awareness and mindfulness techniques to release pent-up tension and reconnect with physical and emotional sensations, which can improve how you show up in relationships.
Each of these therapies targets different aspects of how trauma influences your relationships, offering tailored tools for change. For example, if you tend to withdraw when a relationship feels too close, EMDR or somatic therapy can help you address the fear of vulnerability. If negative self-talk drives you to sabotage healthy connections, CBT or CPT might be the best fit.
Finding a counselor trained in these approaches can be life-changing. With their guidance, you can unravel the patterns holding you back and develop healthier ways of relating to yourself and others. The result? Relationships built on trust, intimacy, and mutual respect—free from the shadows of the past.
Why Healing Is Worth It
Healing from childhood trauma is not just about improving your relationships; it’s about reclaiming your life. When you address these patterns, you open yourself to a world of possibilities: relationships built on trust and respect, a deeper sense of self-worth, and the ability to experience love without fear.
It’s not an easy journey, but it’s one of the most rewarding ones you’ll ever take. With patience, compassion, and the right support, you can break free from the past and create a future where healthy, loving relationships are possible.
